It has been awhile since the last time I posted an entry here in my blog. A lot of things happened to me this year. My boyfriend for more than three years fell out of love and broke up with me, I quitted my job for 6 years and applied for a new job however I opted to resign because of my health condition and I spent all my savings on my medicines and laboratory tests.
A long, hopeless "Oh Lord, why?" flowed unbidden from my chest every night as I tried to comprehend why this is happening to me.
It all started September 29 and not long after I stayed in the hospital because of wheezing, fever and joint paint. I was discharge after taking some medicines and nebulized three times.
For a few days, I pretended to have the same faith to God, to His healing power. I found myself mired in a miserable struggles. I started crying out to God because I feel so desperate.
Just when I thought I had the worst, things gets more seriously ruinous. I had a trip to hell starting October 4. I was rushed to the hospital because of my persisted cough and there was blood on my sputum, night sweats, and fever and irregular heartbeats.
After running some tests and ECGs, the doctor said I have pneumonia, hypertension stage 2, diabetes and congested heart. But wait, there are more! The doctor advised me to take few more tests – treadmill test, X-ray tests, 2-D echo tests, more ECGs and blood chem. It has been like this for a week or two. Later on, they found out I have fatty liver also, high cholesterol and urinary tract infection.
A long, hopeless "Oh Lord, why?" flowed unbidden from my chest every night as I tried to comprehend why this is happening to me.
It all started September 29 and not long after I stayed in the hospital because of wheezing, fever and joint paint. I was discharge after taking some medicines and nebulized three times.
For a few days, I pretended to have the same faith to God, to His healing power. I found myself mired in a miserable struggles. I started crying out to God because I feel so desperate.
Just when I thought I had the worst, things gets more seriously ruinous. I had a trip to hell starting October 4. I was rushed to the hospital because of my persisted cough and there was blood on my sputum, night sweats, and fever and irregular heartbeats.
After running some tests and ECGs, the doctor said I have pneumonia, hypertension stage 2, diabetes and congested heart. But wait, there are more! The doctor advised me to take few more tests – treadmill test, X-ray tests, 2-D echo tests, more ECGs and blood chem. It has been like this for a week or two. Later on, they found out I have fatty liver also, high cholesterol and urinary tract infection.
I got antsy after praying for a while. I felt like I was in this desolate place, waiting for a God who is not moving in my situation. I admit, I got mad at God. I stopped reading my devotionals, reading my bible and praying to Him. I got tired of waiting for Him. I kept on asking Him why this is happening to me, if this is a penalty for that one sin I made in the past or is this a curse from someone.
I gave up on God… the God who save me from the brokenness, the God who forgave me from my sins and made me white as snow, the God who chose me to be His royal priesthood and given me the calling to go and make disciple of all nations.
I have to admit there are times I feel rejected by MY God. But with the help of Pastor Dennis Isleta, my spiritual friends most especially to my Besti Irah, Beb CG, Van, Ate Jowie and everyone in our Victory Group, my family, to Coach Ronnie Magsanoc and Papa Bear Benjie Paras for including me in their prayers, my best friends Nhing and Gladys, my man Samuel and his friend Jun, I called AGAIN to Him. I asked for forgiveness and guidance as I walk through the desert.
I was shaken but not stirred.
By the end of November, I consulted another doctor for a second opinion. I just wanted to make sure if I am getting better because I was experiencing asthma erratically and feeling exhausted most of the time. The doctor advised me to have a chest x-ray and found out that I have a PTB on my lung’s right upper lobe. I was astounded! Up to this time, I still cannot comprehend everything – why I have this if I don’t have cough. I told myself that if I have this illness, I cannot serve the Kids and Ushering ministry. I will be stuck for 6 months due to medications.
I felt disgusted and embarrassed. If people will know that I have TB, they will stay away from me. People say this is contagious but hey, I am taking medications now. Please do not be afraid of me. By the way, I prefer not to mention the side effects of the anti-tuberculosis medicine I am taking. It sucks!
I am helping myself now by taking my medicines religiously, doing some cardio twice or thrice a week and clinging to God ALWAYS. In this current adventure I am in, I am giving my troubles to God. I am always grateful to Him for always providing all my needs. I am thankful for the people who financially helped me, who prayed for me and continually praying for me and to everybody who are concern for me. I am thankful also to my bosses – Sir Weng and Ma’am Leo of Brigada News FM for understanding my situation and to Ma’am Jen of ABS-CBN Sports for letting me recuperate first instead of processing my exit clearance. Big thanks also to my friend, Francis of ABS-CBN Sports HD for processing my clearance in the IT Department when I was hospitalized. Thank you to you all!
I realized that the Christian life is not always on a constant high. There will be moments of deep discouragement too. It is just a matter of transferring your problems from yourself to God because He said in Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”
I gave up on God… the God who save me from the brokenness, the God who forgave me from my sins and made me white as snow, the God who chose me to be His royal priesthood and given me the calling to go and make disciple of all nations.
I have to admit there are times I feel rejected by MY God. But with the help of Pastor Dennis Isleta, my spiritual friends most especially to my Besti Irah, Beb CG, Van, Ate Jowie and everyone in our Victory Group, my family, to Coach Ronnie Magsanoc and Papa Bear Benjie Paras for including me in their prayers, my best friends Nhing and Gladys, my man Samuel and his friend Jun, I called AGAIN to Him. I asked for forgiveness and guidance as I walk through the desert.
I was shaken but not stirred.
By the end of November, I consulted another doctor for a second opinion. I just wanted to make sure if I am getting better because I was experiencing asthma erratically and feeling exhausted most of the time. The doctor advised me to have a chest x-ray and found out that I have a PTB on my lung’s right upper lobe. I was astounded! Up to this time, I still cannot comprehend everything – why I have this if I don’t have cough. I told myself that if I have this illness, I cannot serve the Kids and Ushering ministry. I will be stuck for 6 months due to medications.
I felt disgusted and embarrassed. If people will know that I have TB, they will stay away from me. People say this is contagious but hey, I am taking medications now. Please do not be afraid of me. By the way, I prefer not to mention the side effects of the anti-tuberculosis medicine I am taking. It sucks!
I am helping myself now by taking my medicines religiously, doing some cardio twice or thrice a week and clinging to God ALWAYS. In this current adventure I am in, I am giving my troubles to God. I am always grateful to Him for always providing all my needs. I am thankful for the people who financially helped me, who prayed for me and continually praying for me and to everybody who are concern for me. I am thankful also to my bosses – Sir Weng and Ma’am Leo of Brigada News FM for understanding my situation and to Ma’am Jen of ABS-CBN Sports for letting me recuperate first instead of processing my exit clearance. Big thanks also to my friend, Francis of ABS-CBN Sports HD for processing my clearance in the IT Department when I was hospitalized. Thank you to you all!
I realized that the Christian life is not always on a constant high. There will be moments of deep discouragement too. It is just a matter of transferring your problems from yourself to God because He said in Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”